When good flowers go bad...

I saw some flowers on an FTD internet ad, a nice bouquet of orchids, in a tall, rose colored vase. So, I decided that, since I wouldn't be seeing my Mom on Mother's Day, the least I could do is send them to her.

Now, over the years (57 to be exact) I have sent a lot of flowers to people, near and far (congratulations, get-well-soon and/or sympathy: sorry he or she died). As I understood it, you call your local FTD florist, tell them I want to send bouquet such and such to, say, Florida. They, in turn, call Florida, and say, we got an order for you. Deliver the flowers to such and such, and here's your cut. And, its done.

So, My first glimmer than things had gone awry was when the FTD florist sent me an email with a tracking number... Hmmm... why do you need a tracking number, if its just some local guy just dropping off the flowers? Still, being an internet virgin, I checked it out. The package had been sent, but not delivered yet. Checked again at 4:00 PM and it said there was no answer, so they left them on the porch!

So, when I got home, I called my Mom, not wanting the deep rose vase and delicate orchids to be just sitting on her porch

What follows is a more or less accurate recreation of our conversation:

"Hello, Mom? It's John."

Pant, pant... "Hi" pant "John"

"Mom, what's the matter? You sound all out of breath!"

"Well, somebody left a huge carton on the porch, almost as wide as the doorway and taller than my walker, and I've been trying to open it."

"Oh, God, Mom, I'm sorry, that was probably me... Why are you having trouble opening a vase with orchids?"

Pant "Well, it came in a big, strong. construction cardboard box. I used a knife and finally a claw hammer to open it up." Pant..."But there is plastic wrap around everything. I've been using a serrated knife, but cannot get through the plastic wrapping to get it out. And, I am worried that the orchids will wilt before I can free them..."

I said, "Forget it, Mom! Let it go... I didn't mean to cause this much trouble over some stupid flowers. Let's call somebody close by to come over and help you."

She said, "No, as soon as my blood pressure and heart rate return to normal, I'll finish getting them out, or, I promise, I'll call the next door neighbor lady to help me!"

I reluctantly hung up. Mom called back in an hour or so, and told me she'd gotten through the plastic, hacking away, and found each of the orchids had their own watering tube in the crate, so, she was feeling foolish, worrying about the flowers.

I SO suck as a son...